Colonial Williamsburg Digital Library

As M^r . Stretch, that Flower of Beauty,
and Cream of all Proportion, has left this Colony,
and the illustrious Calumniator primus has
taken his Departure for the remote Regions, never
to return, (unless his Soul should be brought back
by Some Chicken, or other Animal) and the fac-
etious M^r Calumniator secondus, is either gone
into Obscurity or to the Devil, I could not be a
[mo]ment at a Loss, to fix on a proper Person to whom
[I shou]ld address my Epistle, when I had you before
[my] Eyes, You Sir, who are the fountain Head of
all Novelty in this Country, You Sir, who in your
Publications are but sometimes little entertaining,
and at every other Time extremely dull, are the
very Man whom I ought to make Profidium et
dulce Decus meum. To speak much of oneself
may be thought too much like the Practise of
an eminent Doct^r . Of W^ms burg whose Example
I acknowledge is not by any Means imitable,
but as I find Caluminator did in both his Epistles
(and a[s its] necessary you should have Some Knowledge
of y[ou]r new Correspondent, in Order to adopt y^e Behavior
to the Turns of his Genius and the Nature of his [Treatise)]
I must even like Tully, introduce my [Epist]le with
a little Egotism, and tho' perhaps I can['t sa]y so much
of myself as he could, yet I think the Same Compli
-ment may be paid to me, that was paid to David
when he danc'd a Rigadoon naked in the Streets, You've
performed your Part well; if you concur with me in
this, I shall certainly feel an Emotion of Pleasure at it, and
will make You all the Acknowledgement in my Power:
Non Sublimi foriam Sidera vertice ; I will not break my
Head against the Sun, Moon, or Stars, in a Caper, but
I'll reverse the Motion, I'll draw one Foot behind the
other, and bow my head as low as Brutus did, when
he fell down and kissed his Mother, the Earth.~

To know one's self was thought by an old Philosopher
to be too great a Degree of Knowledge, for human nature
to attain to, if that Doctrine was true, this Country
hereto so famous for the Wisdom of its Council, would
be distinguished, for its Number of Ignoramuses, for
if the young Fellows of the present Age, don't know
themselves, pray answer me this Question, what
do they know? I will ingeniously confess to You,
that I profess as much Philauty as any Man can
do, even M^r . Miller, (tho' perhaps I don't enjoy the
Same Pleasure in accommodating my Curls, and
viewing the languishing Sparks of my Eyes in a
looking Glass,) yet have art enough to equal it
from the Rest of Mankind, insomuch that when I
[tear] I hear it frequently repeated behind
3 me, there goes a pious, charitable Christian, I am a
Man when in Company with Rob^t . C. Nicholas, can keep
my Mouth, as it were with a Bridle, whilst the Un-
=godly are in my Sight, but when over a Bottle with
Joⁿ . R_dolph, can be as great a Voluptuary as you
please, I love my Bottle almost as well as the Atto^rney
tho' I don't inebriate as often as Ja^s . Cocke, I'm not
quite so Jesuitical as J_ G_how, but am as sly as
Ben Waller, I talk something more than George Wythe
in Company, but not by a Dictionary so much as
[Ph_ ]Johnson, in Short I've as good an Appetite
As any man in York or W^ms burg except old Jos.
[torn]pt, and the external Ornaments of my age,
[an]d, Person are pretty much in the Taste of
And^w . Sp_l's Apparel; now Sir find me out if
You can & welcome. It Seems Something remark-
able, that among so many Politicians, as meet
Weekly at M^r . Southall's, So many wise and sagacious
Aldermen & common Council Men, as well as other
penetrating Genius's which this Town affords,
that this odd Dogg Calumniator Secondus
has never been discovered, and yet I'll venture to
Say, it did not proceed from any Want of In
quiry among the Inhabitants of Wmsburg, for
4 [t]o give unto Caesar, that which is Caesar's, it won't
be denied but that the People of W^ms burg sift out
each others Affairs, as readily as any in The World, and
if they can't discern a Foible, will with the utmost
Facility make one; but however it was extremely lucky
that he kept incog, for had he been known, he must
have so ^been cut from the systole to the Diastole; and who
do you think would have done it? Why the little Jew-
eller, who Since the Accession of an Heir apparent to
his Family, is I assure You much raised in his Attitude
and walks, & talks, with very Majestick Deportment.
Your paper is really so lifeless, that the Muscles of
one's [illegible] Mouth, would Scarce be affected in an Age at
any thing to be met in it, unless it were at publish[torn]
Some ingenious Answer or other. I have therefore[torn]
the Divertissement of y^r . kind Readers, sent You this
Espistle, and you may depend on its' giving Pleasure
to many of them, particularly to W^m Prentis, who
I can foresee will throw out a Ha, ha, at every
Paragraph of it; tho perhaps Mons^r . Purdie may
look as tranquil upon it as the Animal that is
So much celebrated for the Longitude of his Ears
and the agreeable Tone of his Voice.~

'Tis sin to one but you look upon this Compliment
I here find you in a very austere Light, I wonder
that any Man can misemploy his Time in writ-
ing such Stuff, and have the assurance to make You
5 the Patron of his Nonsenses, and very probably we
shall See Something about it in y^r next Paper.
Hear he Will, if you should think proper to consume
any Paper on this occasion, let it be Something
more acute, than what y^r Predecessor Jack, wrote
in Answer to Calumniator's, for be assur'd that if
it is of the Same Species with his, I'll make You re-
tract what you Say, in as Sordid a Manner,
as he deserted the Cause of honest Ned Conway;
Had Jack been here he should have heard more
of my Sentiments in Relation to his Apostasy, but
as he is not, my Pen shall be dipt in everlasting
Silence, unless the Affair should be reviv'd by Ned's
making another Effort in Print, and then I will
support him Manibus Dentibusq . And if I should
find myself an unequal Auxiliary I'll invoke
the Assistance of the Honble Ned Atkins Esq^r
who will rob all the feather'd Choir of their Missiles
& exhaust an Ocean of the [sable] Fluid, Sooner
than his Namesake should be outdone either in
his Multiplicity of Words or the Number of Ar-
guments ~ M^r . Stretch did Mr. Calumnia
tor the Honor to nail up his Piece in the
printing Office for the Perusal of the Virtuosi;
but it was done in So awkward a Manner, that many
6 Parts were defac'd & rendered difficult to read; to
prevent the Like Inconvenience to mine, I have drawn
a small circle for the nail, which being drove into
some Piece of Wood, or Wall, destin'd for its Re-
caption; not too low, for Fear it should injure
M^r . Fr_ks Back, in stooping to read it, not too
high lest the little Jeweller should not be able
to get at it; it will Save you the Trouble of fre-
quently delivering it out & receiving it, and
you may fix by it (if you please) M^r . Gibern's
Sermon, which the House of Bu_ges voted to
be an excellent Discourse, but I believe from the
Few Coppies that have been disposed of, he
finds it's only what's now become very much
in Fashion, a Hum bug~

It is hoped that no one mentioned in this Perfor-
mance; will deny his Uttering what he is here chargd
with, if he does, let him remember that tho' Tho^s
Knox is knocked up, yet J. Foxcraft can knock down,
and he has promised me, to revenge my Cause, & put
the Man that dare deny his Words into as woeful
plight as poor Cam[m] was in, when he went to pay
a certain short Visit, or as little Jacob was, when
Jack Randolph laid his masculine Paws upon
him at the Commissary's~ It will give me
as much Pleasure, as the Death of Jo^s . Morton
did the Butter Eaters, to receive an Account (which
7 may be by Letter directed to me in Alexandria[)]
of the Disputes subsisting between the Clergy and Pri
mates of this Island of Virginia as Abercrombie
calls it.~ A Parson seems now to be consi
derd, more like a noxious Animal, than one invest-
ed with the Power of leading the immortal Part
of Man into the Abode of Saints and Pro
=phets~ Doct^r . Hay, the other Day insisted
that they ought to be consider'd in no other Light
than as hurtful Creatures, and gave an Instance,
which Some People thought carried with it a
strong appearance of the Truth of his Asserti-
on: He said that a Brother Doct^r . of his in King
William having had the Boldness to call his
Soul his own before his spiritual Pastor,
White who knew that it had been disposed off
long before to another Acquaintance of his, the
Parson in Correction of his Impudence, and in
Support of the Right of Bel z b lift up
his Athletic Fist, and letting it fall on the Doc
=tors Head, down fell poor Anodyne, procum-
bent on the Earth, freed for the Time, from all
the Cares that his Existence ever gave him;
but when he recovered his Senses, which nothing
8 [bu]t the Force of Whites Blow could ever reach, he
very pathetically cry'd out, Tack him away,
Tack him away, I am the fourth Vestry Man
he has knockd down, and by Gode he will
Serve all his Vestry So, before they are a Callender
older, This (Said the Doctor) was the Fear which
causd Bernard Moore to Suddenly remove to
the seat of Government, lest he should fall
another sacrifice, to the Thumps of This eccle
siastical Champion~

The Doct^r . related Some other facetious Sto-
ries about the Clergy, for which its daily expected to See
him in the Same Condition that Doct^r Riddle put him into
a few years ago at York; for this melincolly Truth, is
very well known, that tho' the Doct^r has incountered all
Sizes and Sexes, he never was once victorious, not
even in the Short tho' fierce Engagement with Beau
Kinnon.~ He told us of a certain Ecclesiastick,
who took it into his Head, that there was an As-
=sassination of him intended and that Some Mis[cre]
ant unequal in Valour & Prowess to him, had basely
come in the Night cloak'd in a brown Coat and
white Buttons, and unexpectedly left him sprawling
on the Floor, but quoth the Doct^r , it was no more than
an internal Wound he receiv'd from the potent Fumes
of a Liquor he had lately taken gorging Draughts off,
and he express'd great Surprise, that a Gentleman of
9 his Experience, should be so unacquainted with the Effects of
the great Patriarch's Discovery, in not knowing to what
Cause he ought [illegible] ^to attribute his Malady~ But
M^rs . Drummond who is greatly skilld in Dreams &
Divinations, pronounced that the brown coat and
white Buttons emblematically denoted the Beer and
its Froth, of which she was afraid the poor Gentleman
had guzzled down more than was requisite, to Satie-
=ty~ He told us likewise of a Clergyman who being
of a very concupiscent Disposition, and finding few
Opportunities of carrying those Faeculo which Nature
intends for Evacuation, had actually advertis'd in the
Virginia Gazette the Want of a Damsel, one Miss Bar
ker, a Person of his former Acquaintance, and that he
had experienced would answer would all his domes-
tick Purposes very well. ~ The Doct^r . from
being extremely jocular with the Rev^d . Boddy began
to be a little more Serious upon the Occasion~
He told us that the Institution of Clergymen, was
intended for the good of Mankind, that they might
act as kind Monitors, in keeping up in their Minds a live
=ly Sense of their Creation, and the respective Duties they
ought to observe as Members of Society, for if Men,
Says he, were not to regard the Laws and Ordinances
of the Community, to which they belong, the World
would be in as great Confusion as the House of Bur
gesses were, when the alarming News, was brought [post]
10 [h]aste to W^ms burg, that 500 Indians had got as low
as Page's Warehouse, plundering and destroying all
they met with.~ How well these Gentlemen have
acted up to the Spirit of their Constitution, a Short
Review of their Proceedings will plainly evince.~

A Gentleman in Company was extremely entertained at
the Method and Formality in which the Doctor attackd
the Clergy, but he assur'd us he did not intend to do
them any Injury, but he was Sorry to find they
had changd their State of Probation into that of
Reprobation. The Company were unwilling to Stop
the Doctor's reprehensions of Vice, as it was thought
Some Proof of his own Reformation, therefore put
he was permited to proceed in his Discourse, which
he did with much Solemnity and Form.

First, says he, they have prostituted the Pulpit, more
than the Money Changers did the Temple, by introduc-
ing a Man into it, who had transgress'd every Law
both human & divine, and one who would have de-
bauched his own Family, had he found an Oppor=
tunity of putting the Evil of his Heart into Exe-
cution. 2:^d ly. They have turnd the Pulpit into a
Place of Obloquy, rather than a Forum of Piety
and useful Learning, and have carried their Prosti-
:tutions So far as to make a Point, or as the Sports-
man Says, a dead Sett, as the honourable Gentleman, by
whom they causelessly imagind themselves injurd~
11 3:dly. They have attempted to preach their own Discourses
which must manifestly tend to the Diminution of
Learning and the true Spirit of the Gospel~

4:thly. They wisely sent an Ambassador Home, to procure
the Repeal of a Law, which had expir'd before any
Application made, and which by the Assistance of a
superannuated, Tonguetied, Bishop, they have procurd,
but says he, ^all the Lawyers tell me, it is no more than
Actus Fine Effectu , or as we of the learned faculty
call it, a Chip in Porridge. ~

5thly. They have drawn many well disposed Person, into
very considerable Donation, for the Relief of Clergy-
man's Widdows, but instead of appropriating their Li-
berality to the human Purpose intended, they have
actually applied it to the Use of their Ambassador, but
says he, the Ambassador himself was confoundedly bit,
for when the Money was deliver'd to M^r . Fr_ks, his
Attorney, in Order to be remited to him, that consien-
tious Gentleman thought that Charity began first at
Home, and therefore he piously put the Money into
his own Pocket, and not to wrong any Man of a
Shilling, he very honestly gave Mr. Cam[m]'s Acct. Crdt.
for the amount of it. ~ ~

6thly. They have sagaciously denied the ^a Power in the Legisla-
ture, to make a Law relative to Clergy, that very Legisla-
ture, to whom they made a very Warm solicitation, in Order
to obtain an Augmentation of their Salary.~

7thly. Instead of being Peace Makers they are turn'd Peacebreakers
12 And so fond are they of Commotion, and Disturbance, that
rather than have no party, they will head schoolboys, and
Mulattoes, and wage War even with Apprentices and
unwashed Artificers. ~

8thly. They have injur'd their private Fortunes and
Families by their large subscriptions, for the Support
of their Ambassador, but M^r . Mossum says, they
shall extract from him his Dentes Sapientiae , for he
has no other sooner than he will contribute one Dena-
rium more to so factious an Opposition.

9thly, they have fancied themselves the only regular and
orthodox Clergy, in his Majesty's Dominions, for in
publick Conversation, they charg'd the first of this He-
ierarchy in England, with being a Fantatick, the
Diocesan of this Place with being an old Woman,
and justly enough, and they could not at the Same
Time avoid bestowing on the Laity Some Reproach,
for they declard that the Board of Trade were all of
them Fools & Parasites, but what they are themselves
I shall leave to M^r . Rowe who if he retains the same
Opinion he had of them, when he was paddling in
the Canoe at Hampton, will readily give his suffrage
against any bene gesserit whatever among them.~

10thly. To the indelible Honour of his reverend Body, one
of their Members has been the Projector of the wisest
13 and best schemes concerted schemes, for getting Money by
the Way of Trade, that ever was devised by a Man, a
Plan more exalted than any that can claim either Jona
than Wild, or the illustrious Turpin, for it's author
I mean that worthy Gentleman, who from his flow-
ing Tresses, & Simplicity of his appearance, gave
us an Idea of primitive Purity, but from his
Behaviou^rs in Dickinsons affair, prov'd himself to
be a Wolf in Sheeps Cloathing ~

11thly: They can boast of one of their Members having done
that which with Impunity, which no man of any other
Class in the Government can Say. A Clergyman has
personally abus'd, and shook his Cane at a Vicege-
rent, and rode afterward Safely thro' the Town,
firing his Pistols on each side of him as he
pass'd thro' the Streets; but happy is it for him
that John Randolph could not obtain his
Honour's Permission to incinerate him, for if
he had, he certainly would have crushed the
little Malapert to Atoms & sent him into
Eternity in a Moment ~

Let's cast our eyes a little farther back, for
Instances of their Misbehaviour, and we Shall
find that their present Conduct is not by any
Means original, but is a Continuation of Misdo-
ing, for many Years proceeding, and doubtless
will be Still carried on for many Generations
to come; whereof I proceed to Say~

12thly. What Individual ever depictur'd a Man Body of
Men more to the Life, than that Gentleman did his bre
-thren, when he ascended the Rostrum, threw his Cushion
on the Clerks Head, which had been lately cudgeled by
the better part of him, alarmd the Congregation with
great Vociferation, threw his Prayer Book at one,
skim'd his Sermon at another, till at last he was
left solely in the Church, and there might have remained
until the End of Time, had not four of his Friends ta-
ken a Proportionable Part of his Body, each a Leg
or an Arm apiece, and brought him out, there he lay
under the Shady Canopy, every Aperture assisting in dis:
burthening the Body, till the Fumes in his Brain
evaporated, when he mounted his Nag & rode off with
great Precipitation, and never afterward went near
a Church in this Country, and if he could have lived
without it, would, I believe, chose never to have en-
tered one again.~ Well may we, said y^e Doct^r .
join with David in saying, why do the heathen so furi-
ously rage together, and why do they imagine a vain thing.
Their throats are open Sepulchers, with their Tongues
have they deceiv'd, the Poison of Asps is under their
Lips, they are all done out of the Way, they are altoge-
ther become abominables. There is none that doth
good, no not one, hold Doct^r . says one of y^e Company,
you carry your Reproach too far, I myself know
many worthy Ministers, who live in a very becoming
Manner, and act up to the Doctorines they endeavour
to inoculate, and therefore You should not have declar'd
there was not one that did good. Pardon me Gentle^m .
15 reply'd the Doctor, and Heaven forgive me, for I never intend-
ed my Word should relate to the whole Group of Par-
sons, no, I know some Labourers of the Vineyard, whose
Lives add a Lustre to their Functions, and are a Re-
proach to the Rest of their Brethren, let them, Say I,
dwell in the Tabernacle of the Lord, and let them rest
on his holy Hill, here ended the Harangue as we
grew tir[e]d almost, with the Doctor's manifold Accu-
sations, but he assured us he was ready whenever call[']d
upon, to exhibit 39 Articles against them, and would
maintain his Charge against the combin[e]d Forces of
the whole Body of Theologians~

Mr. Cam[m] I am informed is very much disturb'd
that the Com_y refuses to call a meeting of the
Clergy, that he may disclose to them, the Particulars
of his Negotiations, but many of the Clergy with
whom I am very well acquainted, express great Plea-
sure at not being conven'd, Say they, we are very
glad of it, all that Cam[m] wants is a little more Money,
but no more Blood, dear Doct^r ., unless you intend to
draw all out of our Veins, others say what does the Man
mean? Does he want totally to overthrow us? When he
has reduc'd our Revenues from one hundred to forty
Pounds P^r . Annum. Does he want to drain us of that
too, by our Expences in frequently attending him in
W^ms burg? No, No, the Com_y will act more like
a Father to us, we are shure, or else we will Let him
16 [d]own non Com. As I am well acquainted with a
Tete a Tete of Mr. Cam[m]'s, I have procur'd a Copy
of the Oration that was to have been deliver'd at
the Convention, which I here send you, as it seems
a Nosegay of some of the choicest Flowers of
Rhetorick. ~

Cam[m]'s Oration~

Beloved Brethren, it gives me as singular Fa-
cility as it did the Elect People of God, to get into the
Land of Promise, to meet you on this Occasion, that I may
impart to you, the happy Effects of my Ambassy,
and the great Indignities I have been expos'd to, in
the Protection of our sacred and indubitable Rights,
it hath pleased Heaven, as he chasteneth those whom
he loveth, to throw several stumbling Blocks in my
Way, and surely to try my Patience, and Capacity, of
both which I have given the most irrefragable Proofs,
for had it not been for a great Deal of Retirement
and Strategem, I should never have been able to
troop out of great Britain: When I arriv'd in Scot-
land great was my Adversity, for tho' my soul longed
after Wine as the Heart poundeth for the Waterbrooks
17 and my Body burnt for a Companion as Davids did
for Bathsheba, yet so luckless was I, that I met with
but a parsimonious Pittance of either; the Females of
that Country carry in their Faces a Noli me tangere ,
and I had but one plentiful Potation while I was
there, then I took Care to extend out Reputation un-
to the inhospital Climes, for in the Celebration, of
their pious Orgies, I saw the whole Town of Glasgow
prostrate on the Earth, and the next Day receiv'd the
Acknowledgement of my superior Talents, by the
Mouth of Rob^t Donnald, that Model of Beauty and
Pattern of Politeness, so that I may say, that I've
done ( Quod nec Jovis Ira, nee Ignis, nee posevit Fer-
rum, nee edan abolere vehustas .) When I arrived
in England, I was pleased with the Hopes of meeting
the Fruition of my Labours, and after having du-
ly refreshed my Animal Nature, I applied my clos-
est Meditations, to the important Matters re-
commended to my Vigilance and Solicitations~

I first applied myself, as it was my bounded Dutty,
to do so, to our right Rev^d Father in God; and the
malincolly Condition I found that Episcopal Gentleman
in, fill[']d my soul with the deepest Solicitude,
18 I found him waxen extremely old, and his speech so
very uncouth, as to be hardly articulate, but not
withstanding he enjoyed his senses, found Favor in
his Sight. I represented to him the once happy &
flourishing State of this Colony, when Religion,
Loyalty, and Respect for the Clergy, were the
Characteristicks of the People of Virginia; But
As all human things want, these Virtues had met
With their Declension. In the Year of 1748
that pious and well dispos[']d Assembly, having the
Honour of God, and the success of the true Reli-
gion at Heart, established upon the heavenly
Teachers, an adequate Recompence, for their
Toil in preaching, which was graciously as-
sented to, by our Sovereign, but that the succeed-
ing Assembly, had repented of the good done by
their Predecessors, and resolv'd totally to destroy
that Benevolence — Wherefore as preparatory to
the great Work Stroke of Abolition, they first
chang'd some Clergyman's Salaries from the Weed
to a pecuniary Stipend, and then in the Year 1755
they pass'd an Act for paying the Salaries of the Clergy in
Money, at a low standard, instead of Tob[acc]^o , but especially, recom- 19 mended it to the then Governor, to delay transmiting the Law
Home, until the evil effects of it, had been received, and
he like an upright Ruler, never sent it home at all~

At length, Anno 1758 the great Law in Controversy
was inacted, which unhing[']d Justice, sowed the seed of
Discontent, and laid waste the royal Prerogative, up
on these Remonstrances, his Lordship gave Proof of his
being the fittest Man in the World, to preside over
Christians, for I found him dispos'd to believe any
thing I could suggest to him; his Lordship was so
pleas[']d, with what I inform[']d him, that he took it
all upon himself, and with his own Hand, wrote
a Letter to the Bo_d of Tr_de, wherein he like
his Lordship, abus'd the Folk of Virginia, which
Letter had the desir'd Effect, for that honorable
Board obtained his Majesty's Repeal of sundry Acts,
particularly the Act in Dispute, which may be
beheld in Fr[anci]s Ta_s Proclamation~

I had the sincere Assistance of the worthy Mr.
Abr_ie, who when he found another Agent
appointed by the Assembly, was very much disgu-
sted, and vow'd that he would be very circumspect
in parting with the Money that had been granted
by the Parliament to this Island, and deposited in
his Hands, and to keep him the longer in Service, we
20 agreed to spread a Report, that the new appointed Agent
was an invisible Person, tho' my Beloved Brethren
he was at any Time to be met with either on the
royal Exchange, or at the Coffee Houses, within
the Vicinity of the Temple, that Source of Ini-
quity. I cannot avoid disclosing to you the
scene of Indignities I suffered since my happy
arrival in this Place, and which reflects likewise
the greatest Dishonor on the whole Body ~

His Majesties most gracious Instructions for
the Repeal of those odious Laws, as impious, and
heretical, were put into my Hands to be deliver'd to
his Representatives here. I with two affectionate
Brothers, who were to bare Testimony, of all that
pass'd, wait[e]d on the Representative, and from the
Nature of my Errand, and the Dignity of the Person, from
whom I came, I had Reason to expect, at least, mode-
rate Deportment from him, but how much was
I disappointed, he did not bow the Head to me,
when he first cast Eye upon me, he stop't my
Departure from his House, until he had assembled
his Ethiopians, and ordered them to be mark'd them
to mark me for what I have been often taken,
21 a black Sheep, and then dismiss'd me, and commend-
ed me never more to cross the Threshold of his Door again.
Brothers, had you seen the appearance of my Friend
Warrington's Countenance, the Diameter of his
Eye, which he revolv'd into every Quarter to [illegible]
ery if possible, the Danger he so much fear'd, your
Bowels would have yearned with Compassion, as
Joseph's did for his Brothers. When we were
discharg'd, ignominious as it was, yet he thought
a happy Escape from impending Danger, and
the Joy of his Heart was teeming. But what
I esteem the greatest Indignity is, a Petition
from the Keeper of the publick Goal, to the
Honble John Blair Esq. in these Words.
May it please your Honor, It gives
me the most sensible Concern that I've
incur'd y^r Honor's Displeasure; in permit-
ing by my Negligence, the Prisoners to escape,
those who by y^r Advice were irrecoverably con-
demn'd to the ignominious Gibbet, but when
your Honour will be pleas[']d to reflect that my
Conduct in this Affair, was directed by the
Same Motives that influence the Actions
22 of all Men, you will (I hope) pardon my Transgres-
sion, and accept of my Apology. My Soul has
been very much discomfited with the Acct. I've
receiv'd of the Behaviour of many of the Clergy to
my Friend and Master; as Fervour in Solicitations
has been of the distinguishing Marks of your Cha-
racter, I must request the Favour of y^r Honour, to
make Application to the Governor, that he will
be pleas'd to send them all to the publick Goal,
which will not only be the greatest Advantage
to the Borough of Norfolk, in the sale of their
spirits, but be the makeing of y^r . Hble Serv^t .,
Sam_ Gault, who keeps a tippling House.
Wherefore my beloved Brethren, as I have
spent so much of my Time and Money, in your
service, as I have been the scorn and Derision of
Mankind, for my sake, and for heaven's sake, let
your Contributions be liberal, for be assur[']d it's the
only Chance you have, for laying up for yourselves
Treasure in Heaven. ~

If you have any Regard for your own Security
and would choose to sleep in whole Bones, be
advis'd by me, and avoid giving the least offense
23 to any of the College. ( hic, hac, vel hoc ) Man,
Woman, or Beast. ~

The Collegians from some capitol Defect in their
Education, are it seems utterly unacquainted with
the Designs & Gestures of Devotion, wherefore
when the Townsmen who set below their Gallery,
from mere Fervour of Devotion, were casting
their Eyeballs up to heaven, the Academists thought
themselves mock'd, and in Return for the supposed
Insult collected all the Saliva they could, and
streamed it on the Oppidans Faces, nay some
have asserted that the urinary Conduits were
exercis[']d on the Occasion. Upon this Treatment
the Townsmen meeting with personal Satisfaction
of them, and menac'd universal Carnage; if such
Indignities were repeated. Orlando Furi-
oso the philosophical Professor, and the anci-
ent Britain a thousandth cousin of the great Cad-
wallander, thinking that his Seminary had receiv'd
some violent Shocks not only in this but a for
--mer Occasion, resolved by a vigorous Effort to re-
24 deem it from its Peril, and accordingly denounc'd
War against the Townsmen, which Declaration was
was answered by the Opposite Party. The contending
Powers disdaining to take any secret Advantage
of one another, like generous Enemies, fix'd on a
Day to decide by glorious Feasts, the important Dis-
pute, which Day (the memorable 2^d of July) the
Troops with great Punctuallity assembled, not
in the Plains of Abraham, but in the Field
of Jacob. The Collegians headed by Furioso,
the Townsmen by W^m . Finnie, who from his
Behaviour when a certain Pistol was fir'd was call'd
by Phil Johnson, Lord George Cadwallader
appeared in the Field, accoutred like a Roman
Lictor, with a Cutlass in one Hand & a Bunch of Rods
worn down to the stumps in the other, a Type of the
Punishment the Captives were to receive; Each Ge-
neral endeavour'd to animate his Men, to Works of
Slaughter. Furioso declar[']d that now was the Time
to meet, aut cito Mars, aut cito Victoria . His
Lordship desir'd his Men not to be dismay'd,
25 for they had nothing to encounter with, but Spi-
rits, that would soon evaporate, For, says he,
the Odors of their Nostrils are indelicate and
offensive; it happened that before the Town's-
men, could form themselves into a Phalanx
which was thought the properest Disposition,
as it was imagined there were no firearms
amongst the Collegians, a Pistol that was
only intended by Furioso , as a signal
to prepare was fir'd, but the Town'smen ima-
gin[e]d it to be a bloody attack, were struck
with an irremovable Pannick & immediately
took to their Heels, a Flight the most remarkable
as well as ignominious, for M^r . Presid_t
assur'd me, that he did not believe, that Ro
-mulus's Celeres, ever went with so much
Velocity as many of them did, when they pas[s']d
by his House. The Conquerors took two
Prisoners, whom they carried into the Grammar
School, and as Whip[p]ing is Part of Military Dis-
cipline, Cadwallader, who is skill'd in that art,
took Care to give them 35 Lashes well laid on,
and when he discharg[e]d them, he address'd
himself to them, in these friendly Terms,
26 Heah You, You scaul'd piggerly Knaves, look
You, we are as brave as Agamemnon or
Alexander the Pig, and I beseech You, at my
Desires, My Requests & my Petitions, that you
breed no More Contentions & Scufles & brawl-
-ings amongst us: Look You, take what I have
given you as a Memento, otherways we will
give you a memento mori , next Time
A Magistrate of the Town, and not an
inferiour one, seeing his Neighbours put to
the [scout] and fearing lest the Victors flush'd
with Triumph, might endeavour to extend
their Conquests, went into the Field before
the Collegians had decamp'd, in Order to re
-strain their vehement Desire for Battle, he
represented to the General, who was the first
Person he met, with the Gravity of a Sena-
tor, how unbecoming it was, for a Man of
his Profession, to be engaged in such an
Affair, and more especially at the Head of
27 his own Pupils, whose Passions ought rather
to be check'd, than led into such unjustifi-
-able Excesses as these, that no one intended
them any Injury, or wish'd them any Evil,
but ^if there were any such Persons, the Law
was open, & had pointed out the Remedy
they ought to pursue. What Sir, says the
General, are you come to rally the Fugi-
tives, or redeem those Person, who by the
irresistible Power of our Arms are in Cap-
tivity? If you are Sir, recall your flying
Troops and Advance, and we will repel y^r :
most formidable Attacks, but Sir; if you
have any thing to say personally to me,
Know you, that my Name is the Rev^d .
M^r . Jacob Ro__e, that I may be
Met at any Time and Place, when and where
-soever appointed, and will tinge my sword
in the Blood of any Man, who shall be
presumptuous enough, to oppose or treat me
with any Kind of Dishonour, the Magistrate
being a Man of very Pacifick Disposition, chose
28 to decline all further Con[verse], rather than enter
into the List with a Man of so much Prowess,
so he took his Departure, and by his Silence ac
-knowledg[e]d the General's great Merit, the Gene
ral determin'd to load his Brow with as many Lau
-rels as he could, as well to rid the College of
all its Malcontents, rush'd like a Firebrand
Thro y^e Crowd, and put a Pistol to John Campbel[']s
Breast, demanding of him, which Party he es-
=poused, for says he, W^m . & Mary shall never lan
guish for want of a Professor, whilst I am con
-cern[e]d in Respiration, this Gen^l . disavow'd any
Enmity to the College, and as Warfare was a trade
he had for some Time declin'd, he beg'd he
might be consider'd, in the present Dispute, as
a neutral Power. The Boon after some Hesi
tation was granted, tho' the Gen^l . was very cauti-
ous in acceeding to it, saying they had of late made
but an evil use of their Treaties of Amity~

Lord George went off the Field, vowing Vengeance
against the Neck of the Conqueror, whether he intended
this as a Prediction, that the General of his De-
29 merit would put that Part in Danger, or that it was
not improbable, returning from a Visit to Mr. Ca[mm],
he might some Time or other receive an injury there-
from, his Horse was made a great Question in Conver-
-sation, but he soon after explain'd himself & re-
mov'd the Doubt, for he declar[e]d, that his Intentions
were to twist his head off his Shoulders the
first Opportunity that offer[e]d, but I have been told
by some of his Companions his Head stands as
upright as ever it did.

The Conquerors having
vanquished their Enemy's kept Possession of the
Field of Battle, castigating the Plebeians, &
plac[e]d an additional Lustre in the Catalogue of
their Virtues, sheath[e]d their Sword shining Blades
and made a secure Retreat with the whole Army
into Castle, they were followed by Graham & Cam[m]
who mov'd in tottering Paces, and with the
greatest Difficulty ascended the Espalier, join[e]d
the exulting Conquerors, who by plentiful Po-
tations, were resolv[e]d to ebriate the Toils of War,
and so fortifyed themselves with Bumbo and Ma-
deira, that a man might as well cross the Hel-
lesspont, as attempt to get at them, thro' their
30 [ow]n expectorated streams. ~

Bless me says a stranger who was in Company
with ^when Knox was relating this Story, are the Mas-
ters absolute Proprietors of y^r College, or are
they liable to any ^the Inquiry of any Superintendents,
for from what I've already heard, they seem to
consider the College rather as Barracks for their
soldiery, than a Place of publick Education _
Sir, says M^r . Knox, there are a set of Gentlemen
who are called Visitors, whose Duty it is to look in
to the Management of the College, but they seem
to me to visit it, only to see the Decline of it,
and the daily Decay of Religion and Learning~

Some little Time ago the Clamours of the Coun
try were so loud against the Behaviour of the Mas-
ters, that these Visitors met, in Order to inquire in
to their Conduct, and if the publick Murmurs were
well founded, they resolv'd as it was hop'd, to redress
the Grievances, but tho' the Masters actually confess[e]d
every thing they were charg'd with, and tho' one of
them was found in his Bed drunk, at 10 o'Clock
31 in the Morn[ing] [torn] the Pres[i-]
dent for him, Yet instead of [visi]ting out, like the
other Pedagogues, these Revelers in Ebriety, they
continued them in Office, giving them only a Re-
primand, which was thought a very fierce one,
but they valued it about as much as Fr_ks does
the 5th Verse of the 6th Chapter of S^t . Matthew,
or as Abraham Nicholas, would do a Sermon on
Sobreity, what think you of that Neighbour, cries
Knox, too true also says Jo^s . Davenport, and is-
sued out a deep pitch[e]d Groan, this Gentleman
was very much surpris'd at what he had heard,
and ask'd, for God's Sake, how such intempe-
rate Persons, came to be chosen into the College,
but Knox being unacquainted with the Manner
of appointing the masters, refer[re]d him to M^r . Da
venport, who he informed him was the Scribe
but he hop'd not the Pharisee, to this Visita
tional Body: Why Sir says honest Joe, the Me-
thod has always been, where any of the Masters
had been turn'd out (for few of them have of late
died in the service) the worthy Bishop of Lon-
don, is apply'd to, as Chancellor of this Seminary,
to recommend successors, Persons whose Characters &
32 [a]bilities, he [torn] offices;
And we have of [late known], that if this Rev^d .
Gentleman, or Doct^r . Nicholas, his Right hand Man,
have any inordinate Persons, whom they want
to get rid off, they are sent as Preceptors, to
this poor languishing Seminary ~

The Gentlemen, formerly recommended, were well dis-
pos[e]d Persons, to every thing, but their Duty, &
its true, were great admirers of y^e . Juice of ye. Grape.
but the present sett are Maniacks, as well as Bac
-chanalians. For my Part, I have given up
My Post, as writing Master in the College,
(which, I hope, I have supported in many Years
service, with Sobriety & Diligence) lest
I should be attack'd by some of these Gentlemen
when in a Fit of Delirium, and receive such
Corporal Injury, as my Age and Infirmities
may render difficult to be remov'd ~

Formerly, says he, when the Masters were in
Their Cups, they kept themselves private, and no
thing was said about it, but now when the
Gentlemen are intoxicated, they are for
Battle, Murder, but I hope no Sudden Death,
33 O fie O fie, preq[torn]m est . ~

As I imagine, you are by this Time as much
tir'd with reading my Epistle, as I am in
writing it, I will not weary y^r . Patience any
longer, but bring it to a Conclusion, with a
short Piece of Prophecy, as to the Reception
it will probably meet with in W^ms burg,
and the Conjectures that may be made as to
the Author. Says M^r . Hunter himself, what
does this Fellow mean by troubling me with
his Nonsense, I assure him my Time can be
much more advantageously spent, than in
reading such ridiculous Stuff, there will be
nothing but Giggling, and Laughing in
the Office, for I'm sure when Royle sees
Purdie, he'll take a plentiful Portion of
Laughter, which may raise the Scotchman's
Blood, and 'tis ten to one. but it produces
a Battle between them. Says another, this
Fellow thinks himself very witty I'll war
-rant him, but I am so far from agreeing
with him in Opinion, that I think it a
very stupid Performance ~

God says a[torn] the rest,
with a shake of his [head], this must have
been wrote by some Parson, upon this he
is ask'd, how he can imagine a Parson
would abuse his Brethren, and perhaps
himself too at this Fate, O replies the Gen
-tleman, they are the sentiments of some honest
Minister, who has taken this Opportunity
of abusing those of his Trade, whose Con
duct he disapproves of, and has included
the whole Body, in his Accusations, in Or-
der to remove the Conjecture from him-
self. I am the more confirm'd in this,
from another Circumstance, for I re-
member very well, when a famous Ser-
mon was preaching in this Church, a Cler-
gyman left it, thinking the Discourse too
virulent, & pointed for the Place it was
fulminated, AY, AY, that's it, for take it,
— Various with the Conjecture also 35 As to the Iden[tity of] [torn] this must be
Rowe says one for he [torn] fond of abuse, that
he would abuse himself at any Time, in
Order to give Vent to his Passion, ag[illegible]
against those he dislikes. Says another
John Randolph's Finger is certainly
in this, for it is exactly in his Taste, and
there are many of his Expressions to be
found in it; or else it is Ben Waller,
who I assure You, notwithstanding his Gra-
vity, is a little wa^ggish, now & then. There
are some who will lay ten to one, Hub-
bard is the Author, for he was shrewdly sus-
pected to be the Calumniator ~

All that I shall say to you is, that the
Author is a Man whom it is morally
impossible to find out, but if by any
unguarded Acknowledgement of his own,
his Name should become publick, he
is able & ready, at any Time to main
tain his Assertions ( hoc aut altero )
36 that he owes [torn] and Good
detests the Promo[torn] publick Disturban-
ces; to be call[e]d ridiculous or sharp are [illegible]
intirely equal to him, and the one
will answer his Purpose as well as [the]
other. Wherefore D^r . Witt, I shall
dismiss you with a Line & half of
Horace, which will show you [upon]
What Principle I wrote this ~

Rediculum acri
Fortius et melius magnas plerumque [faded] R